Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Top Six Phrases That Piss Off My Toddler

If you have, or have had, toddlers you know that they are complete and total narcissistic little assholes. It's as if they really, truly believe the world revolves around them and that the sole reason you exist is to be at their every beck and call.

They like to throw tantrums all the time for no apparent effing reason! I like to think that in their weird little minds, there is some logic to their madness, but I can't figure it out for the life of me. 

They act like the world is coming to an end if you don't stop what you're doing immediately to get them what they want, look at the squirrel outside, or read them a book. Never mind that you are in the process of taking that casserole out of the oven. You'd better drop that shit and run to them right away.

I've also found that certain phrases will send them into a tailspin that would make the Tasmanian Devil envious.

Here are the top six phrases that piss off my toddler:

#1 "Put these pants on". God forbid I suggest my child not leave the house naked. My daughter will literally scream "I DON'T WANT IT PANTS ON!!" while simultaneously throwing herself backwards onto her changing mat. 

#2 "Here's your cheese stick." Dammit what's wrong with me? I should know by now that "cheese stick" is code word for "crackers", or "yogurt", or "apple sauce". Oh, there she goes, running through the house screaming like she's being chased by an axe murderer. Ignore the fact that she asked for the damn cheese stick two minutes ago and now she's launching it at you from across the room like she's a missile trying to take out the enemy.

"I don't like Sofia!
I like Miles!"

#3 "Oh look, it's your favorite show!" Nothing irks my toddler more than not knowing 'Sofia the First' isn't her favorite show (like it was five minutes ago), and that it is actually 'Miles From Tomorrowland'. Sweet baby cheeses change the channel before her head starts to spin. You'd better pray you have some 'Miles' on the DVR because it isn't scheduled to come on for another three hours!

#4 "Look, I have a special treat for you - M&M's!" Holy shit. All I can say is I had better have the right number/color of M&M's in that container or World War III is going to break loose in my house! 

"I want FIVE BLUE M&M's!"

#5 "That's a school bus sweetie." Trust me, there is nothing sweet about the demon that arises as he hisses at you that the school bus isn't a school bus at all, it is actually a "fire twuck". Even if she asked me what it was, I don't question it, I just go with it. "Oh, that's a fire truck? Cool."

#6 "Yes, you can have pink milk." I may as well go ahead and turn my mom card in right now. Of course she doesn't want pink milk, she wants chocolate milk. She hates pink milk now. Oh, no, hang on, she takes a sip of the chocolate milk and throws the cup at your head because it isn't pink milk. Just give up now. For the love of god, give up.

What I have learned from having a toddler in the house is that there is no correct answer. Ever. Unless the stars are perfectly aligned, there is not going to be a day that goes by where I don't say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or don't respond to her quick enough.

In order to keep your sanity in tact if you have a toddler in the house, (or a baby crotch-fruit who will eventually turn into a toddler), I suggest you just learn to roll with the punches. 

Or talk to your doctor or neighborhood drug dealer about Xanax.


  1. Hahaha, I read that a while ago but couldn't comment via phone.
    It's hard, isn't it? How do you cope?

    1. I have no idea how I cope. Must be the Xanax. ;)

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