Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Top 10 Things We Really Do and Don't Want for Mother's Day

Listen up husbands and children everywhere! This is a list of what we mother's really do and don't want for Mother's Day this year, so pay attention!!

1) We want to sleep in. No getting up with the baby or when the kids come in asking for something to eat or to turn on the TV. Today will be the day I pretend not to hear the little voice in monitor.

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 2) We don't want to cook breakfast. This means either you are cooking, or you're taking us out somewhere. The McDonald's drive-through doesn't count.

3) We want to be able to pee and poop alone, every time we have to go for the entire day. This means no toddlers following us in and staring us down until we tell them they can flush it. No husbands asking where the remote/washing machine/dishwasher is located. No animals heavy breathing outside the door.

4) We want to be able to get showered and dressed in peace. That is if we decide to shower and dress.

5) We want a few hours alone. Completely alone as in no one else in the house. Gather up the tribe and leave so we can nap, read a book, catch up on Scandal or any other damn thing we want to do in peace. There is a common misconception that we want to be surrounded by our children and families all day. This is not true. This is a myth created by men so as not to have to figure out how to entertain everyone on their own. Take them to the park, take them to the movies, hell, take them water skiing, we don't care. Just get out.

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6) We don't want any gifts that are living. No plants or animals. We have enough things to keep alive without having to worry about another feeding another dog/cat/fish or remembering to water a plant. Some days we can barely remember to feed our children.

7) We do not want appliances as gifts. That vacuum or steam mop is the perfect way to land yourself on the couch. We don't want reminding of all the cleaning we have to do.

8) We would love you to do a load or two of laundry. We have already told you where the washing machine is (see #3) so go ahead and make use of it. We promise the machine won't eat you.

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9) We don't want to change diapers or put kids down for naps. We do this every day. Those of us who are SAHMs or who work from home do it all day, every day. We would like a break from it.

10) We don't want to decide what to do for dinner. This includes shopping for and/or cooking it and we definitely don't want to clean up afterwards. Taking us out somewhere is your safest option. Again, McDonalds doesn't count.

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So there you have it. If you follow this list the mother of your child(ren) is sure to be a happy camper this Mother's Day.

To all the mammas out there, did I miss anything?