Monday, February 16, 2015

Seven Pieces of Advice for My Kids

Dear Children,

Let me start by saying: "I love you with all my heart. I would do anything for you. You are my life."

Good, now that part is out of the way, I feel I need mention a few things to you. Listen to these pearls of wisdom and not only will your chances of living a long, full life greatly increase, but my chances of being committed to an institution will greatly decrease.

#1. Start freaking listening to me. Stop smiling and nodding and telling me you understand when you haven't heard a damn word of my five minute tirade about how I'm tired of having the same conversation with you over and over and over and over...

#2. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Really look at me. None of this pretend looking at me that you do as your eyes glaze over and you transport yourself to your happy place. You have no idea how irritating it is to talk to someone who is staring at their feet, picking at their nails or watching what someone else is doing when you're trying to drill home a point about something.

#3. Stop talking with food in your mouth. Seriously, just stop it. I don't want to see your half chewed up chicken rolling around your mouth, or falling out for that matter. It is disgusting and rude and it aggravates the snot out of me, especially when I just told you to stop less than a minute a go. (Refer back to see #1.)

#4. While we're on the subject of eating, put your feet down, sit up to the table and eat over your plate. You will get less food on the floor when it falls out of your mouth from talking with your mouth full again. This is not time to lay back with your feet in your chair picking the crust off your sandwich. This is the dinner table, dammit, and we are civilized people with good table manners.

#5. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, get your shit together in the mornings without me having to lose my mind. All you have to do is get dressed, put socks and shoes on, eat breakfast and brush your teeth. That's it! It is the same thing every morning. Why is is so difficult for you to stay on task?

#6. Stop grabbing on your baby sister and making her scream! She is old enough to tell you if she doesn't want to be hugged/kissed/tickled/played with. Why do you insist on continuing to mess with her until she screams at the the top of her lungs? Sweet baby cheeses, please stop!

#7. Speaking of the baby, don't imitate her when she is crying or screaming. This doesn't help make her stop and only moves me closer to the looney bin. I'm not sure how you think making the exact same screeching sound she is would actually help anything, but it doesn't. At all. It makes it worse...way worse. Knock that shit off.

I think that's pretty much it. For now, anyway. I will make you a promise; If you follow these simple rules, your life will become exponentially easier! You won't have to move your clip down on that fancy behavior chart I made nearly as often as you do now. I won't wish for longer school days and won't have to refill my Xanax prescription nearly as often.

Love you!


  1. So....there probably is a day when all that stops happening? Right?