Monday, October 20, 2014

7 Reasons My Kids Are A**holes

My kids are assholes.

There. I said it. God, it feels good to get that off my chest! I'm sure no one else knows what I mean. I'm sure your kids aren't assholes. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore them all, it I'm sure Ted Bundy's mother loved him, too.

Sometimes I look around at my five (yes, I said five) and think, what the hell am I doing here? This isn't my life! I drift off to a place where I can sleep in as late as I want, I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I can watch whatever I want without worrying if it is "appropriate". I can go lunching with friends, travel, go to concerts and late-night dinner parties without having to find a babysitter. I can leave the house the first time I get in the car, not the 26th time after I remember something else I need for the kids while we're out. I can say fuck as often as I want without having to change it to fudge as it escapes my lips.

And then the baby screams "NO" at me again and I'm suddenly jolted awake and back to reality.

1) They're always hungry. With a minimum of three out of my five kids in the house at any given time, there is always one that wants feeding. They never want to eat at the same time. Ten minutes after two of them have finished their cereal, another wants eggs. Then ten minutes later, the first two want eggs "because their cereal didn't fill them up". Assholes.

2) They won't voluntarily help each other. I swear, I have never met a bunch of children more unwilling to help each other. One of them will step over a sock belonging to her sister and walk all the way into the living room just to tell her that there is a sock of hers on the floor. God forbid she just pick the sock up and put it in the laundry hamper. I am convinced this is a snowball effect, and I keep trying to explain this to them. How many times do I have to tell them that if they would all start helping each other out, it will be contagious and they'll all get along so much better! Assholes.

3) They won't stop growing. I just bought one of the girls a new pair of sneakers two months ago. She's worn them four times at the most. Now they are too small for her and I have to buy her new ones. Their feet keep getting bigger, their legs keep getting longer, their clothes and shoes keep getting smaller (along with my bank account). Assholes.

 4) They ignore each other. The boy could ask one of the girls a question and I'll hear him all the way from the other room, yet the girl won't answer. She will 100% ignore him. I know she heard him because she is sitting 2 feet away from him and I can hear him from 30 feet away, through a wall. He'll repeat himself three times before I finally get up and go in there. As soon as the girl sees me she looks at him with wide eyes and says "huh? What did you say?" Nice try, sweet cheeks, you're not fooling anyone. Assholes.

5) They are constantly in competition with each other. I am the first to say a little healthy competition is good for anyone. It can help someone strive to be a little bit better at whatever it is they're doing. What I will never understand is why they compete over who was first to finish their chicken wings; who the baby looked at first when she woke up from her nap; how many times they blink in a minute. My personal favorite is competing over who knows more words to a song on the radio. Without fail, a song will come on in the car and two of them will ask the others if they know the words to it. Then they will all proceed to sing as loud as they can, only they mumble half of the words but then get mad when someone says they don't know the song. Assholes.

6) They complain about everything. My husband has two kids form his first marriage, I have two from my first marriage and we have one child together. We have our weekend schedule set so we have all five of them on the same weekends. My stepdaughters live three hours away so that is the only time we see them, other than during holidays. Because of that, we like to schedule fun things to do with them on the weekends they are all with us. Take this weekend, for example. We decided to take them to the local pumpkin festival. We've done it every year for the past five. Yesterday, we were walking from the car to the festival and they were already complaining that their feet hurt, they were too hot, the grass was poking their feet through their shoes, they were name it, they complained. Had we decided to stay home and not go anywhere, they would have complained that they were bored. Someone always has an arm that hurts, or a bug bite that itches, or a growing pain in their pinky toe. Complaints. Constantly. Assholes.

7) They get off on scaring the crap out of me. Really, any chance they can get. They jump out from behind the corner when I'm walking down the hallway. The boy waits until I am right up to his face in the morning when I try to gently wake him up and he suddenly flips over and yells "aaaarrgrgrggggghhhhhh!" Like some sort of demented pirate. Or my personal favorite, when they leave things like giant spiders and mini alligators in random places. Assholes.

So there you have it. My kids are assholes.


  1. I love it!!!!i haven't had the chance to meet you, but you lol like you take good care of my cousin. And trust me when I say... You aren't the only one who feels this way. Lol.

    1. Thanks! Hope we get to meet sometime soon! Glad I'm not the only one! ;-)

  2. You most definitely aren't the only one! I love my 3 kids dearly but boy can they be assholes! I call them this all the time, not to their face...well, at least I turn around first & mumble it ;)