Sunday, April 6, 2014
Sunday Confessions - Time
It's Sunday - you know what that means! Not only is it the return of Game Of Thrones tonight, but it's also Sunday Confessions over at More Than Cheese and Beer. This week's topic is "Time".
Time scares the shit out of me, especially when I think about my children. I immediately think of how fast it is ticking by. I reminisce back to the days I found out I was pregnant with my first, second and third. Each filled with a different rush of emotions and very different times in my life.
I remember with fondness the day I found out I was pregnant with my first, my daughter who is now 8. Her father and I had been married for just over a year and had decided 3 months earlier to start trying. I finished my pack of pills that June and by September I was pregnant. I screamed "Pregnant!!! We're pregnant!!!" down the stairs of our tiny 1920's Mediterranean-style, 2 bedroom townhouse. My husband ran to the bottom of the stairs and looked up at me with such excitement. We called our families immediately and told them. We couldn't contain our excitement.
When our daughter was 6 months old I woke up early one morning and took a pregnancy test. I was over a week late which never happened. Sure enough, I was pregnant. I walked into our bedroom, daughter on one hip, test in the other hand and woke my husband up with the words "we need to talk". He looked up through bleary eyes and, when he realized what he was looking at, his face broke out into the biggest smile. I was not as amused. I was terrified. I hadn't shed all the baby weight from our daughter. We weren't in a position financially to have another child. I wouldn't change it now for all the tea in China. He is my buddy and I couldn't imagine him not being here.
My ex and I made it work, for a while. I think the strain of it all had a lot to do with our marriage ending. When our son was 1 year old, my husband moved out. We we officially divorced almost 2 years later. Shortly after my divorce, I met my current husband. (I hate the term "current husband". Makes it sound like there are going to be others. There aren't going to be others.)
Almost 2 years ago the hubs had back surgery. He ruptured L5-S1 on Memorial Day and within 2 weeks he was under the knife. 1 week after his surgery I found out I was pregnant. I had been on the pill but some medication I had been taken interfered with the effectiveness of it. When I told the hubs we were on our way to his follow-up appointment. I had known since the night before but wasn't sure how to break it to him. This wasn't exactly optimal timing. We had discussed the possibility of having a baby "sometime down the road" but certainly not now.
A few days later we were laying in bed talking about it and I was filled with gut-wrenching fear and heartbreak. The hubs was full of doom and gloom. "What if we both got laid off from work (we worked for the same company)? We would be homeless with a newborn and 4 other kids (he has 2 from a previous marriage). How were we going to afford it?" Little did I know, he had stopped his pain medication cold-turkey and was going through major withdrawals. We found out later that depression and anxiety are very common side effects when coming off Dilauded. A couple days later I had my first doctor's appointment. I sent the hubs a text of the little sesame seed-sized blob on the ultrasound. I wouldn't say he was fine with it after that. I wouldn't say either of us were. Even through all the doubt and fear of the situation, we got excited, happy. Now we couldn't imagine our lives without her.
What scares me about time is how fast it is moving. All those moments above seem like yesterday but also like they were a million lifetimes ago. Sometimes I try to slow down. I think about how my babies will only be young for a short while and I try to appreciate every moment with them. More often than not I get caught up in the daily shuffle of life. I find myself telling my children that I don't have time to play cars, or pirates, or color, or paint their nails. The truth is I do have time. I have nothing but time.
I'm scared I'm going to wake up 20 years from now and regret not doing all the things they wanted me to do. They will soon be moving up to middle-school, high-school and then (hopefully) college. They will be getting married and having kids of their own. I don't want my children to look back on their childhoods and push their own children aside because they don't think they have time. I need to make time for them. I will make time for them, because once it is gone, I won't be able to get it back.