Saturday, December 14, 2013

My Infant Cusses Like A Sailor

Have you ever wondered what goes through a baby's mind at any given time? When we're all standing around ooohing and aaahing at them as they stare back at us with those blank looks. Or when we give them solid food for the first time. Or when we speak to them in those condescending tones as though they are complete idiots. Seriously, why do we act like complete blubbering twat-waffles when there is a baby around?

Think about it. We spend the first year of life saying things like "look at the doggy...fishy...meow meow...moo cow". It isn't an effing "meow meow". That is the sound a cat makes, but we insist on using these terms. But you'd better believe that as soon as the little one starts speaking we are all up in their shit correcting them; "It isn't a fishy, it is a fish." I'm sure at that point they are looking at us, thinking; "I know that, douche bag. I only said it like that because you insisted on calling it that!"

The hubby loves playing with the 6-month-old; tickling her, or tapping his finger over her mouth so that she makes that sound we used to make when we would run around playing cowboys and Indians as kids. He is convinced she likes it, me, not so much. She inevitably starts complaining and fussing. I know what's going through her head. "Quit fucking tickling me! How would you like it if I sat here smacking your mouth so that you would make 'cute' noises? Knock it off! I'm not your goddamn play toy!"

I'm convinced that babies think we are all complete idiots. I mean, whats to say they can't understand everything we say right from birth? That baby from 'Look Who's Talking' could. You know that commercial, I think it is for V8, where the mom is all "Mommy's eating french fries, yes she iiiiissssss" and the baby smacks her on the forehead? The kid isn't doing it because she's eating fries. The kid is doing that because of the way his mom is talking to him. "Dumb-ass...talk like a normal person!"

Hubby gives the 6-month-old her nightly bottle, and when she is ready for it, she lets him know. If she sees it before he is ready to give it to her she goes ballistic. I'm talking body rigid, arms flailing, face red, yelling at him! Of course, hubby and I think it is funny and he sort of holds the bottle in front of her, almost teasing her. She, however, does not find it amusing. I know exactly what is going through her mind; "give me my bottle, bitch!"

I think we are all sadly mistaken in assuming that infants don't understand what we are talking about. I don't think we give them nearly enough credit. Just because they can't verbalize it yet, doesn't mean they don't know what we're saying. I can be known to cuss like a sailor. Especially if I stub my toe, or if the dog barks and wakes up the baby. I know by infant cusses like a sailor too. I'm pretty sure the her first words are going to be "Goddamn it Dixie! Fucking dog!"

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